Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
