i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
