Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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