Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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