Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
