I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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