T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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