dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
