My pussy is not your playground.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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