Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
it glows. i had to have it.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
