I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
