Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
