The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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