I think I died a long time ago.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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