I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
