I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
