she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
