a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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