you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
