Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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