Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
