i was born a porn star she said
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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