Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
