Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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