Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
