doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
being pregnant is like rehab
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
