he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
