Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
