Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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