I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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