You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
