It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
