Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
