U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
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