fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
