the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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