My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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