If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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