So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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