you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
