I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
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