It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
