I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
