So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
