im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
