What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
