I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
