Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
