The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
