theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
