Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I love you. Go after that dick
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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